Forever Gone
by BigFan4242
Summary: Gone. That was the one thing that flashed through Logan Mitchell's mind that moment. First his true love's forever gone and now hopefully the people who so to him were too.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Forever Gone**

**Author: The one the only *kick awesome electric guitar solo plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos. Probably more pairings to come. I don't know.**

**Ratings: Low M I think. Maybe for this chapter only *shrugs***

**Warning(s): Language somewhat. Rape. Murder. Slash.**

**Disclaimer- All fiction. Big Time Rush is NOT mine (Though I wish it was so mine). Not my original characters besides OCs.**

**Mood: Happy with a shattering heart.**

**Listening to- 9 Crimes- Damie Rice (A gorgeous artist trust me. His lyrics and his vocals are just beautiful)**

**Author's Note: I've been pretty much in a writing rut. I don't know writing is just harder and harder for me to do anymore. Plus I've been extremely busy with low access to a computer. So just letting you know I might not be able to update as fast as I want to. Anyways here's this lovely fiction I've been pondering about for the past few days. I hope you enjoy!**

**Dedicated to my little sister. I miss you very dearly hon, happy belated birthday. We love you :)  
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_**PROLOGUE**_

A few droplets of sweat fell from Carlos' forehead as he just stood there lazily unknown where he was. A blindfold covered his eyes making him only see the dark black cloth instead of the setting of where his 'friends' took him. Everything in his mind was a blur as the words he was trying to think pounded on his brain causing it to hurt. Realizing this was probably his first 'hangover' Carlos wished he didn't have any of those one too many drinks last night and listened to Logan to not even going.

"Alrighty Carlos bend over." a voice commanded loudly making Carlos' head ache even more. Shutting his eyes he let out a groan before telling the voice to shut up and lower their volume. Yeah he was being a total dick, but he didn't care. Instead of replying to his complaints the voice laughed with another little voices laughing with him their noise combined echoing throughout the whole area. The pounding making Carlos' head thump as if he were hitting it against a brick wall made him wince which made the voices laugh even more.

"W-where am I?" he bluntly stuttered his voice crackly and fear filled trying to stop them from making any more of that aching noise. Finally they shut up making Carlos' head hurt less.

"Somewhere. A place you'll never forget." the voice answered mockingly as Carlos rolled his eyes slightly irritated with the voice's answer. Feeling a tug at his belt he quickly stood up as if violated.

"Stay down." the voice told him as Carlos furrowed an eyebrow unsure if he should trust this person. Deciding to not fight with them he just sat remained bended staying put. Smiling the man doing all this unbuckled his belt throwing it to the ground along with his pants and boxer leaving Carlos butt naked. Doing the same to himself the man threw off his undergarments and pants throwing them onto the floor.

"Why'd you take off my pants?" Carlos again asked bluntly as the man grinned looking around. Looking at the other guy in front of him who was watching all this he pointed to him the rope right behind him commanding him to grab it.

"You'll see." he replied grabbing the rope from the other man tying it around Carlos' wrists. Excited he smiled before entering the young boy. Yelping in pain Carlos shut his eyes wishing all this was just a dream. The man getting turned on went into Carlos even more moaning is pleasure over the young boy's pain. Carlos having no idea what was going on clenched his teeth feeling the tears swell up from the exhilarating feeling of pain in his rear end.

"Beg for it slut! I know your enjoying this! Admit it!" the man yelled in excitement swinging his hips up and down. Harder and harder hoping to make the young boy squeal. Carlos let out a an ear piercing scream instead wishing to be out of there right away.

"Stop! Please! I This hurts too much." he strangled out before his mouth was utterly consumed with sobs and piercing screams. The man looking around glanced over to the same guy who gave him the rope. Looking down at Carlos he furrowed an eyebrow hoping the guy would catch his drift. Nodding he came closer pulling down his pants and boxers removing the blindfold out of Carlos' eyes revealing their setting. With the hundreds of tall trees looking down upon them, the hard, walnut, dirt floor and cloudy with little bits of sunlight seeping in sky Carlos assumed they were in some forest.

"Open your mouth." the other man ordered grabbing a chunk of Carlos' hair pressing it against his crotch. Carlos shutting eyes again shook his head so hard pressing his lips together. The man laughing glanced to his friend who let go for awhile before going back in making Carlos' mouth open wide . Placing his hard cock inside the man pulled Carlos' face more into his crotch forcing him to suck his hard cock. Carlos knowing there was no other choice did so choking on the object in his mouth slobbering on it with his tongue licking it. Pushing it down his throat the two bastards moaned in pleasure as Carlos sobbed the pain making his whole body ache. Finally he felt a hot and sticky liquid come inside his tongue making his lunch come up his throat.

"Swallow." the man ordered as Carlos did so, it actually not as bad as he thought. Finally the two men let go making Carlos' smile in joy happy that it was finally over. As the two men grabbed their pants putting them back on they looked at each other furrowing each others eyebrows. Closing his eyes for a spilt second turning them both around the other man flashed a glance of the gun in his left coat pocket nodding his head indicating what he wanted, what they_ needed_ to do. The man using shrugging as a sigh of him nodding grabbed Carlos' pants and went towards him realizing this was the only thing left to do.

"Get up. We'll get you back into your pants." the man ordered as Carlos nodded immediately agreeing to those orders. Slipping back into his undergarments and jeans he smiled.

"I can go now right?" he asked sounding the same way he did 10 years ago. The two men sighed pushing him down to the floor on his knees. The man frowning looked over to the other man who went over and picked up the blindfold tightly placing it onto Carlos' eyes so he won't be able to see what was just about to happen. Nodding his head he grabbed the gun pointing it to Carlos' left temple his hand shaking.

"Carlos we can't bare to have that chance of you ratting us out." he started trying so much to make this as quick and less painful as possible for him. He wasn't happy to do this either, "So we have to do this. We are sorry, but I think you understand." the man told him gently as Carlos furrowed an eyebrow unsure what he meant.

"What do you mean?" he asked as the other man glanced over to the man his eyes filled with guilt but concentration. The man feeling a tear drip nodded as the other man pulled the trigger and…

_BOOM._

That was the end of Carlos Garcia.

**AN- Wow.**

**To Be Continued….**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: **Forever Gone

**Author: **The one the only *kick awesome electric guitar solo plays* Bigfan4242!

**Pairing(s):** Logan/Carlos. Probably more pairings to come.

**Ratings: **T for now.

**Warning(s): **Language. Angst.

**Disclaimer: **All fiction. Big Time Rush is NOT mine (Though I wish it was so mine). Not my original characters besides OCs.

**Mood: **Many mixed feeling about joy, inspiration, and the hot weather.

**Listening To: **Misery-Maroon 5. (Love their new song, I'm excited about their new album. Great summer song, especially for those long drives in the sun. Music video is awesome too, funny and sad. GO MAROON 5!)

**Author's Note: **Big, BIG thanks to my pal Nhi (MinuteCloser2Failing), she's an amazing artist and writer and she helped me out with this fiction. Don't say you didn't Nhi! You did! XD

Dedicated to all the wonderful people on the Palm Woods forum, my lovely family and friends, and all the awesome reviewers and readers of my fics. You guys rock.  
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_Gone_. That was the one thing that flashed through Logan Mitchell's mind that one moment. The fact of where he was right now, the fact it was the same exact place where his lover/best friend died after being brutally shot to death by some bastards who were such cowards they decided to run away. Logan obviously knew that he could of easily prevented this, and if only he would of just stayed with Carlos during that party he would be there to save him. The everlasting guilt of him practically in the same field as the murderers would haunt him forever and he just wanted to be punished for the horrid thing he partly caused. Shaking his head walking farther into the woods to hide the tears about to fall from his eyes and the self pity and sorrow in his heart Logan tried to remember exactly what happened that awful night. Before he let the one person who meant everything in his life down.

_The lights were extremely dim and you can barely even see your own hand if it was in right in front of your face, loud music played everywhere making your ears practically squirt blood, and almost every single edible thing caused a heart attack in a heartbeat. Logan had no idea why he made himself stay here, especially since it was a school night and he needed to study for some test that was probably 3 weeks from then or something. This place wasn't where he belonged, pretty much anyone he knew shouldn't have been in a place like this unless they wanted to get a girl pregnant and get drugged all in one night. Looking around for something good to eat Logan made sure he took a whiff at every single thing he touched, he didn't want that to happen tonight. Any night of course._

_"Hey Looogan!" he heard someone yell behind him sounding extremely loud, annoying, and obnoxious. To him it was probably some jackass who wanted to pick on him, or a fan who wanted an autograph. Another reason why to hate this place, "Loogan! Here boy." they continued to mock making loud little dog calling whistles shortly afterwards frustrating Logan, a huge explosion of anger just burning up inside of him. Turning around to see this person to their face Logan let out a wince, it was Carlos._

_"Carlos?"_

_"Heeey Looogaaan. Here's a drink, they are ah-amazing. They bring you to this whole new place that's just awesome. Try it!" he told him sounding exactly like his parents when they ever got drunk or high. Pushing the drink away Logan bit his lower lip looking at Carlos. He even looked high, blood shot eyes and an unusually stoned out look like he's had no clue what was going on, they had to get out of here, "Don't push it away, come on don't knock it till you try it buddy."_

_"I'll probably be knocked out if I try it." Logan hissed grabbing the bright red plastic cup slamming it onto the table right next to them, "Your drunk Carlos. We're going home."_

_"Logan your being paranoid, stop being a prude." he replied in a somewhat joking/serious way, but the words stung for some reason more than usual. Logan was use to people calling him a prude but this just hurt. But Carlos didn't mean it of course, he was just drunk and out of his mind. Right? "Come on."_

_"Your drunk, we're going home damnit." he growled grabbing Carlos' arm beginning to take a few steps looking for an exit out of this hell hole. Carlos denying his friends wishes began to hit his back, sending a few punches to make him let go. Logan was just being paranoid as usual, and that's why Carlos brought him there. To just have fun and not be stuck in the apartment doing schoolwork or studying or something. Logan needed to chill and relax, enjoy being in California, enjoy being famous, enjoy being a fucking teenager for once._

_"Hey! Hey you! Guy holding our new friend!" someone yelled behind Logan as he turned facing two very large, tall men in gangster styled outfits walking angrily towards them. Shaking in fear Logan just continued to walk quickening his pace as Carlos continued to be stubborn, this time trying to slow down them down. Feeling their presence near Logan's breathing and heart began to grow faster and faster as he continued to look for an exit. The people around them stared at the two boys moving away making a large space everywhere they went as if they had some deadly disease, "Fuck! Let go of him or we'll beat the crap out of you. Don't you think we're joking!" they continued to shout as Logan turned his eyes narrowed to their hands now clenched into two fist practically feeling them wring his neck beating the crap out of him already._

_"Where are you two going?"_

_"We need to leave, who are you?" Logan asked meekly trying to sound tough but still ended up sounding like the scared little 16 year old he was. Clutching Carlos' arm pulling him closer Logan smiled at them slightly hoping they'd leave them alone._

_"We're friends of Carlos', and we think he wants to stay." they both told him pulling Carlos' arm slightly closer to them, but Logan still had full control of one. Biting his lower lip trying to stay calm as he stared them each straight in the eye, "Let go of him."_

_"How do you know he wants to stay? And I'm his best friend too, I've know him way longer than you guys."_

_"Well why don't you let him choose? If your really his friend you wouldn't make him do what you want if he didn't want to." one of the two guys told him grinning slightly a chuckle coming out from his lips as it passed on to his other friend, who did the same shortly afterwards making Logan wince. The tough guy act wasn't working from the start, actually this made Logan seem even more like a coward. Glancing back at Carlos hoping he was understanding what was going on and how much of a fact these guys could hurt him. Opening his mouth to speak the guy just swiped exactly what Logan was going to say right off his mouth, "So Carlos which way are you going? Us or this little punk?"_

_"Come on buddy, come on." Logan whispered into his ear staring him down with his eyes trying to draw Carlos in towards him. Carlos still slightly in control glanced up at the two men and then back to Logan a loopy grin placed on his lips as he chuckled making made Logan worry, what if chose the two other guys? Biting his lower lip sweat trickling down his forehead making his hair and skin wet and sticky Logan furrowed an eyebrow praying Carlos would just choose him already. This was just for his safety Noticing him take a glance at him he smiled wide before realizing Carlos didn't choose him as he let go of Logan's grip on his arm walking towards the two men. Not accepting defeat Logan continued to follow them grabbing Carlos' shoulders, around the waist, anything to prevent him from leaving, this wasn't going to happen._

_"Let go of me Logan." Carlos hissed pushing him off as Logan just kept holding on as much as he could, not giving up without a fight. He wasn't going to lose, "LOGAN! FUCKING let go damnit!" he hissed again much louder pushing him hard as he tumbled onto the ground right on his bottom. He didn't just do that, his best friend didn't just push him to the ground and cursed at him. Feeling the tears begin to fall Logan tried to hide his face, now filled with the fuming anger and shame of what was going on. He was even starting to regret even trying to help Carlos, "I'm sick your boring stick in the mud attitude. Quit ruining my life!"_

_"I'm not ruining your life! I'm trying to protect it, but if you want to get drunk and go with those 2 strangers I don't care anymore!" Logan shouted in pain, his heart aching at his own words as well as Carlos'. He didn't quite know if he meant them, but he did say them so he probably did, "Fuck you Carlos Garcia! Go screw up your life! Like I care anymore! Damn you!"_

If only I stayed with him, Logan thought biting his lower lip his head bowed down the shame in him rising as his tears dripped, then maybe this wouldn't have happened.

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Forever Gone**

**Author: The one the only *kick awesome electric guitar solo plays* Bigfan4242!**

**Pairing(s): Logan/Carlos. Slight Camille/Logan.**

**Warning(s): An indication of sex, Angst, mentions of rape.**

**Disclaimer- All fiction. Big Time Rush is NOT mine (Though I wish it was so mine). Not my original characters besides OCs.**

**Mood: Tired, then again aren't I always tired? LOL.**

**Listening to: Fly Me Away-Annie Little (Sound familiar? It's in the Kindle Commercials. Hate the product but adore the song, haha.)**

**Author's Note: This has been sitting around in my files for a while now, haha why I didn't post it earlier? I don't know. But it's been months since I've updated so here we go, I hope you enjoy!**

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Logan looked up the ceiling, laying in his bed in fetal position, his mind infested with the horrid images of his lover and what happened to him. The face he made when they ripped off his clothes and injected themselves into his small body. The way he was so helpless and easily able to be injured. But the worst was the glimmer of confusion that was on Carlos' face to the situation, when they pulled the gun to his head. That scene kept replaying itself over and over, and Logan would always be left there sobbing and screaming because he knew he couldn't and didn't do anything to prevent it.

He felt the tears stream down his ducts and on to the pillows scattered around his bed because he kept moving too much, the puddles soaking into his hair as he cried even harder. Logan was trying so hard to try and calm down, but Carlos was everywhere. He couldn't sleep without seeing his face, everywhere he went there was some mention of him. Even in his own room the empty bed where Logan would be able to watch him sleep in such a peaceful bliss was making it even harder to stop crying. The last time he got a full night's sleep was ages ago, to Logan it seemed like fate was trying to make him suffer for leaving Carlos alone. Like he deserved everything and anything bad coming to him.

He tossed and turned in his sleep, soon enough opening his eyes wide grabbing his blanket off of him walking into the kitchen. He groaned as his body ached, he hadn't really exercised much those past few days either. Everything hurt, it didn't help much with the healing process.

"Someone's early." someone whispered from the dining table just across from where he was standing. Logan turned and saw that James, who was up just like him. He gave him a small smile and grabbed a water bottle and granola bar from the fridge, unsure if he could hold down anything anymore. He took a chair opposite of him and twisted off the bottle cap taking a sip looking down to James' hands, a halfway finished package of Carlos' favorite fruit snack underneath them. Logan began to tear off the tip of his granola bar, "I can't believe you could still eat."

He sighed and ripped it into small bits, "Well. I'm trying, better we don't starve. I don't want to kill myself by not eating." he ended with a little nervous chuckle as James' eyes glared at him angrily. Frustration building up on his face, obviously Logan knew he had said the wrong thing.

"So. You left him?"

Logan bit his lip and tore off another piece, placing it on the table. He looked down and grabbed the smallest one there, attempting to lift it up his mouth and placed it on his tongue beginning to chew at it, "James, it's more complicated than that."

"What's the hard part? You. Left. Carlos. And now he's dead."

The words stung, "What if I died too James? Like I could match up compared to two very large men." he hissed, swallowing hard the chunk as it refused to go down. He pointed a finger to him clenching his teeth, "Carlos told me to leave him. I just did what he said."

Did he just say that?

"When did you start listening to what people said?" he questioned narrowing his eyes at him, "You're always the one contradicting to what we say if you don't agree. Plus you knew he was drunk. And you still left him? How could you?"

"It was a complicated situation!" he yelled slamming his fists onto the table throwing his arms in the air. Logan bit his lip and tried to calm down seeing it was the middle of the night and almost everyone was asleep, "I'm sorry, I guess I got a bit angry and it mistook my judgment. I feel guilty enough James, you could help by not being such a bastard about it."

James sighed and shook his head getting up as well, Logan looked at him fiercely. He had meant almost everything he said, like James understood how he felt. He knew he could of saved him, but it wasn't his fault! Like he wanted his love to die, like he wanted to have to force himself not to starve everyday and to try and sleep without nightmares of the incident. If he could he would put himself in Carlos' place, but that can't happen now could it?

They both stood there, in silence only staring at each other. Finally James sighed and shook his head again, "I loved him. You know that? I loved him more than just a friend." he sighed and moved his eyes downwards as Logan looked at him shocked, "You know how hard it is for me? To lose the person I loved."

Logan nodded his head, "I do."

"Bullshit. He might of just been a friend to you guys, but to me he was more." he replied in a low but eerie tone that was making Logan feel even more guilt and sorrow over the situation. He moved away from the table and attempted to walk out of the room as James scoffed at him and folded his arms walking the other direction to his and Kendall's room. Them both not even daring to look back at each other again.

After a night of attempted sleep Logan felt even more horrible than any other day, the lack of rest made him too tired to do anything. And the fight with James that happened the night earlier made his gut hurt about seeing him. He just wanted to curl up in a small ball and die, just as maybe things were suppose to be. For him to die. Everyone was mad at him for what happened. He couldn't handle life anymore.

He looked oustide and saw it was still a bit dark, probably still early he presumed. He didn't get much sleep again. Logan sighed and rubbed his temples throwing his blanket off of him again getting up from the bed turning to grab a sweater from the closet seeing Carlos' stuff still inside. He felt himself cry again, but instead of turning around he still kept looking at the pieces of clothes that were once worn by the boy who just died until he snapped himself out of it and made himself turn away, slamming the door on his way out.

Logan trudged his way to the pool, slinging the sweater on his right shoulder as he rubbed the back of his neck and tried to unclutter his mind. Everything going on that second was just too much, he wanted it to just stop.

"Logan? Hey." he heard someone say, what was up with everyone waking up early like him? He turned and tried to smile, it was Camille, his ex-girlfriend. She sat on one of the lawn chairs, a magazine in her hands about the latest Demi Lovato scandal or Taylor Lautner shirtless pictures. Despite the break up Camille was always there for him, she was never angry or tried to push herself to him. He liked that, "I'm so sorry."

Another reminder, he groaned, "It's okay." he answered as she slapped the seat next to her indiciting that he sit. Logan chuckled, a mixture of joy and nervousness and did so. He felt himself tense up a bit so he decided to lie on the seat instead, leaning on its back, "How are you dealing?"

"Horrible. I haven't been able to eat or sleep."

"Me either." he fumbled with his fingers and sucked in breath looking up at the sky for a distraction, the sun's beaming light was slithering through but it was still dark. He didn't know what to say, for one he now knew that he wasn't the only one who was that upset and that James probably was feeling the same way he did. Obviously, what he shouted at Logan sort of explained that.

Logan sat there and dwindled the time away feeling his eyes about to shut, but he kept them open recalling the harsh images that haunted him whenever they did close. He rubbed his temples with the tips of his finers and groaned.

"Are you okay?"

Logan looked up, suddenly Camille was barely inches from his face standing on her knees staring at him with her eyes glazed. He bit his tongue and turned his head away, but Camille lifted a hand up and grabbed his chin turning him back to her. Logan felt her breath on his face as Camille felt his on hers. They just stood there, without word, just as he did with James.

With a single movement he crashed their lips together, wrapping his arms around Camille pushing her down on top of him and onto the lawn chair. He ran his fingers through her hair and hugged her around the waist, pulling her tight. He didn't want to lose another person, not again. He felt Camille slide her hands into his jeans grabbing his underwear elastic, sliding his pants down slowly.

Maybe it was time for him to move on, maybe Carlos would of wanted him to be happy with Camille. Or maybe he just felt lonely, and was sort of taking advantage of a girl who felt the same as him. What ever the reason was, Logan couldn't stop himself. He hadn't felt this loved since Carlos died and knew that he wanted this, he wanted to feel the warmth of another person with him and letting him know they cared and loved him more than anything. He also wanted a person who'd never leave him, he just wanted someone to love.

Logan sighed and went along with what Camille did, making love with a girl just as sad as he was in the midst of the night.

Only to wake up in early morning of the screams of his first love and guilt realizing what he had just done.

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**Ah, poor Logan. He just needs someone to love.**

**Oh, by the way shout out to VictorG, aka one of the best reviewers out there. His message drove me to finally complete this. Thanks! :)**

**TO BE CONTINUED...**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN-**In the words of my friend Aly oh dear lawd. I just have two things to say. For one, John Mayer is a freaking genius. I mean sure, he's done a few d-bag like actions but I mean you cannot deny the guy has talent. I just got his CD 'Continuum' today and quite frankly I'm in love with it.

Two, one of the songs for the album to me is like the all time theme song for this fic, aka 'Dreaming with a Broken Heart'. It matches oh so perfectly and the lyrics explain almost everything Logan's been feeling with Carlos gone. It's so amazing. I'm going to post some of them down so you guys can see what I mean.

Also there's a bit of a touchy subject in this chapter. All I have to say is that desperate times call for desperate measures.

Also reviewers, you rock socks. Know that okay(:

**Warning(s):** Mentions of rape. Mentions of sexual intercourse. Pirate language. Angst.

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_And for a moment you can hardly breathe wondering 'was she really there'? _

_And for a moment you can hardly breathe wondering 'was she really there'? _

_Is she standing in my room_

_No she's not cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone_

_When you're dreaming with a broken heart the giving up is the hardest part._

**John Mayer 'Dreaming with a Broken Heart'**

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_Ring... ring... ring..._

_Dear freaking god_, Kendall thought as he got up from bed dragging along his blanket with him as he walked to the front door. He couldn't believe someone would actually be awake at almost twelve in the morning.

They had an interview early tomorrow to which they probably had to answer more questions about Carlos. Then they'd have to go to the detective's office to answer some more questions. It seemed like everyday revolved around Carlos and answering questions and as much as Kendall wanted to get justice for his friend he also wanted some time to sink things in. Too bad everyone wanted something to happen right now, no breaks. It was like Gustavo was the one operating all this (to think about it, that might of been the case. Kendall was so going to beat him up the next time he saw the towering fat lard). He just wanted at least one day where the world didn't revolve around the whole situation.

Wait, that didn't come out as nicely as he though it would.

_Ring... ring... ring..._

"I'm coming!" he yelled this time rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand as he trudged to the door. He was curious to why Logan didn't answer the door, and James too. He knew neither them had or have had a good night's sleep for awhile now.

He felt sort of bad he wasn't taking the whole accident as hard as they were but Kendall was still sad about the whole situation. It was just, he wasn't willing to give up living because of it. As he opened the door he yawned only to hear the noise of sobbing in front of him. Sobbing, mumbles, and a whole bunch of drama waiting to happen.

He blinked a few times and saw Camille there, a small smile to her face that looked a bit more like a grimace. Her bright green dress was messy and crumbled and her hair was sticking all over the place. She looked horrific, like one of those girls he remembered seeing during their old school dances crying and sobbing in the hallways about how their crushes were with other girls or how their dress got messed up.

"Uh hello?" Kendall began opening the door offering Camille to come inside and out of the cold. He never knew California could be so cold, even in the winter time. It was usually the exact opposite, hell he was even freezing his butt off right then. He couldn't just let her wait there, "Camille, what are you doing here? It's really late."

He didn't want to mention anything about the crying. She might of just been preparing for an acting roll or something. Maybe something got stuck in one of her eyes. Something that was really, really big got stuck in there

"I-I need to talk to Logan." she began her words completely jumbled and almost inaudible. She was as quiet as a mouse with her mouth barely able to make out words. Her body was shaking and her lips were trembling. Her big brown eyes were filled with fear. She was almost like a lost puppy, "I-It's important, is he awake?"

"Er yeah. He and James barely ever sleep now a days." He answered pointing over to Carlos and his room. Well, it used to be Carlos', now it was just Logan's. Kendall ran to the kitchen and grabbed Camille some tissues offering to dab her running mascara.

"Thanks Kendall," she told him as grabbed the napkins doing it herself walking out of the living room and into the halls, soon disappearing into Logan's room. Kendall licked his lips and went back into the kitchen grabbing a bag of chips beginning to eat.

He couldn't sleep without knowing what happened.

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Logan placed his hand on her stomach feeling something growing in there. Something breathing and slowly growing to live life. Part of that life was because of him and because of her.

He wanted to scream. Scream. Yell. Run. Die. Hide. Suffer. Be punished. Go back.

Logan couldn't believe this. He couldn't believe one stupid night could pretty much screw up his life forever. Hadn't he learned his lesson with Carlos? First he screwed up his life by getting him murdered and now he screws up Camille's by getting her pregnant. He was a monster. He was a sick, disgusting, horrible monster.

He kept hurting people. He kept hurting himself.

_How did things spiral this out of control?_ he thought to himself remembering the last few days before that night. Things were so much more simple then. Them just playing around in the Palm Woods pool playing pranks and trying to hit on girls they knew would reject them. What happened to those times? Why now did he have to have his best friend die and his ex-girlfriend to get fucking pregnant with his child. How did this happen? And so fast too.

"I-I don't know what to do." she whispered as Logan closed his eyes snapping back into reality. He didn't want to be in reality though; he wanted to be anywhere but where he was now. He moved his hand away from Camille's belly and placed it on top of hers giving her a meek smile.

"What can we do is the better question."

She sighed, "We can't keep it." she began tears falling again as her breath slowly quickened and became faster. Logan couldn't breathe that well either. He felt as if his head was deep underwater and that he was slowly going to drown, "My dad would kill me, and I have this new movie and like. Imagine how people would react knowing the girl their kids watch on TV is a teen mom? My career will sink in a heartbeat."

Logan nodded agreeing with her. There was only one answer to this question and they both didn't want to say it. It was a wicked thing to do, to even think about considering on doing. It was something you find in your nightmares and fears, hiding in the closet or under your bed. When you'd feel lost and alone, like there was nothing else in this world left to do. They were both desperate though.

More like, _he_ was desperate.

"We have to get rid of it." he began beginning to tear up. He was choking on his words as he sunk down lower slowly unable to breathe some more, "the fastest way possibly before anyone finds out about it."

Camille wiped her eyes and offered him a tissue, "You mean..." she lowered her head. It was like she about to say the name of 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named', "an abortion?"

Logan nodded agreeing with her again, "It's the only way."

"No... no... no. No. No. It can't be Logan, no. We'll be murderers. This goes against everything I believe in."

Logan rubbed the back of his neck and wrapped an arm around her, "I know, me too." he replied, "But, if we keep it everyone will find out. Things are going to be even more tough for our little girl or boy." he licked his lips and sucked in a breath, "They don't deserve that kind of life."

"But they deserve a life."

"I know Camille," he held her hand and hugged her, "but really. We need to think about ourselves too."

Camille quickly pushed him away and glared at him. Logan felt puny compared to Camille's disgusted eyes; her glare filled shame and pity for him. She had seen past his shield, past the 'I'm sad he died' look he tried to put on and saw real side that screamed he was killing himself and that without Carlos he was oh so falling apart. That he needed help that he wouldn't take.

Logan knew Camille saw that. That shenow realized that the night of love they had was a pity one night stand. She got up and abruptly left without another word needing to clear her head. He watched her leave before walking over to Carlos' bed laying down wrapping himself in the untidy blanket that just lied there for the past days.

He sniffed the pillow. It smelled like him. It smelled like corn dogs and sweat and fruit smoothies. It smelled like fun, like a mess of untidiness and recklessness but also sweet. Just like him.

Logan was getting drunk off the smell. He felt like he was going crazy and that smelling that pillow was making him sane again.

Yeah freaking right.

As he lied there he thought of what little baby Mitchell would like. Would they have his hair, or his eyes. Would they be smart or would they want to be an actress or singer. What music would they like? What food? What would their first word be? What would they think of him? Would he be a good dad? Would they be gay or lesbian?

Most of he wondered what Carlos would think. Would be happy? Ashamed? A mixture of the two? Would he help him? How would he react was running through Logan's mind.

Too bad. He'd never get answers to those questions.

* * *

**To Be Continued...**


	5. Chapter 5

******AN-** So yeah, things haven't been going so well with poor old Logie. Ahaha don't worry, things might be getting a bit better *wink, wink*

Anyways in this chapter you're going to meet two people who will be featured a lot in later chapters. I just have to say the first person I'm talking about I based half of her on Demi Lovato and the other half about how I'd been feeling. Don't ask why I put Demi in here just, I love her so much that I couldn't help myself. She's so real, like you can actually connect to her and her struggles. She's a great role model in my opinion.

Not to mention I sort of ship her and Logan. Ahaha Cargan is my OTP but I mean, there are some really adorable pictures of them together.

So yeah, that's all I have to say. You guys are superity duperity amazing and I think you all should acknowledge that. Hope you like this chapter(:

**Warning(s):** Mentions of rape. Mentions of Teen pregnancy. Hints of Cutting. Hints of Suicide. Err, and sort of prostitution?

* * *

Kendall looked up and watched Logan sleep, happy at the fact the guy finally got some rest.

He felt so bad for him. For the past couple of nights he'd wake up hearing Logan screaming Carlos' name, and just yesterday he found him lying in his bed sobbing into his pillow.

Not to mention the fact Camille was pregnant now. The Jennifers told him today when he went to the pool. He felt his heart sink when he heard those news as remembered the night before. All this crap was was far too much for Logan to handle all at once. He wanted to help him out; he wanted to get him help.

And thank god he knew exactly where to get it.

"Logan, hey Logan wake up." he whispered shaking him gently by the shoulders as Logan tried to open his eyes. He couldn't believe he actually fell asleep. It was an amazing feeling to get some rest. He didn't want to get up, at all. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand, "Logan it's Kendall."

Logan groaned and turned away from Kendall. He didn't really feel like talking. He felt more like sleeping. And obviously Kendall knew how long it had been since he got some rest. What could he possibly want? "Leave me alone Kendall." he told him as Kendall rolled his eyes continuing to shake him, "Kendall quit it."

Kendall sighed and continued to shake him, "We're going to go some where Logan, get up."

Logan peeked at Kendall before closing his eyes again, "Where exactly are we going?" he licked his lips. He really wanted a glass of water, "I'm really tired."

"I know, but you need help dealing with Carlos' death. Face it Logan, you're a mess." he ruffled his hair and patted his back, "You need some help Logan, and I know where you could get it."

Logan shook his head. He didn't need help nor did he deserve it. What he needed was some sleep. What he needed was the pregnancy test Camille used to be wrong. What he needed was for this mind to shut off for awhile and stop rewinding what happened. He didn't need whatever Kendall was trying offer him.

"If you don't get up now you're going to have to go in your pajamas."

Quite frankly he didn't really care. Pulling up the blanket wrapped around him he nodded laying down on his back. Kendall's threat wasn't that threatening plus it wasn't really like he had some sort of magical way he thought would help him. Kendall was a good friend and really good at giving advice but Logan knew he couldn't fix this.

Nothing and no one could.

* * *

"Hello everyone," a man with giant black bulky glasses and super high lifted pants smiled at him. His smile was filled with a sort of false happiness and sincerity. Deep down Logan could see that the guy really did not want to be there, "we're all here for various reasons. Some of you needed some guidance, others your loved ones believed you were a threat to yourselves

Logan scoffed and looked over to the people next to him. A boy with light blond hair was on his left staring down at the floor like he did something really bad. Another girl with dark brunette hair was to his right, scars and cuts scattered around her arms. Logan looked up to her smiled, "Hi." he whispered as she nodded, "I'm Logan."

"I know. You're in Big Time Rush." she returned the smile and eyed the man with glasses who seemed to be having a one and one talk with a raven haired girl with red eyes and wet cheeks, "I'm Callie, my best friend is like the biggest fan of you guys."

Logan blushed, "Thanks." he answered before sighing heavily curious to if she knew what had happened, "She must of been devastated hearing what happened."

"Oh she was." her voice was low almost close to simple breaths. Logan looked at Callie and studied her features. Deep chestnut eyes, curled matching hair, and a bright smile that shined liked the fluorescent lighting of the room. She licked her lips as Logan noticed her study him as well, examining every little feature of him, "She was crying for weeks. Carlos was her favorite, no offence." Logan shook his head as she laughed, "So why are you here? Can't you afford a real therapist with your super huge celebrity paychecks?"

Logan shrugged. Every word this girl said was dripping with sarcasm, "Uh I guess." he answered, "But, do you know Kendall?" she nodded, "Well he dragged me here because he thought I was 'troubled'."

"Troubled? About what?"

"Uh, you know. The whole death thing. It hit a lot of us hard and he assumes that I'm the one who needs the most help."

"Oh." Callie replied as Logan looked down at her arms. He had heard that one of the kids at their school in Minnesota was a cutter, and a lot of people either felt sorry or laughed at that person. He didn't think it was real though like, what person would actually try to hurt themselves? "Would you like to take a picture for you to take home?"

Logan looked up and noticed Callie staring at him, a roll to her eyes and a bitterness added to her voice now, "Yeah I did that, exactly why I'm here." she grabbed a hold of her sleeves and pulled them down covering anything left of her cuts.

"I-I'm sorry." Logan stammered as she looked at him, "J-just, I've never met a cutter before."

"You're a freak, there are a lot of cutters in this world." she sucked in a breath, "In here you'll meet a lot of cutters like, uh you see that guy." she pointed to a Latino boy sitting next a girl with long Auburn hair wearing a Metallica shirt and a boy with curly black hair with a million buttons on his jacket. The Latino's hair was messy and his clothes were sort of out of place. Also he had brown eyes and nice dimples when ever he smiled at someone.

Actually, he looked like Carlos. Logan couldn't believe it.

"His name is Kristopher; he's a cutter too. and I heard lives in the park after his family disowned him."

"Really?" Logan asked still staring at Kristopher. Those eyes were so identical to Carlos', actually everything was identical to him. He wanted to run up and hug that guy and tell him how sorry he was for leaving and how much he was in love with him. But that would just be a bit creepy. Despite how similar the two guys were he wasn't Carlos.

"Why was he disowned?"

Callie fumbled with her fingers, "He told the 'rents he was gay and like, they were okay but his uncle who owned the house had a heart attack and told him to get out." Logan looked at her wide eyed before back at Kristopher, "His parents were broke and their only way of not being homeless was staying with his uncle. So they had no other choice but to let him go. I find it disgusting how people would treat their family like that. "

"Me too.

Callie pulled away another curl from her hair and stared at the glasses guy. It seemed like another person was talking while everyone listened. Logan looked at her and furrowed an eyebrow, "We talk about what's been going on with ourselves in order. You don't have to talk right now since you're new but the older guy over there, aka Connor, will make you talk to him one on one later. Hell, even if you talk now he'll talk to you one later. Just to see what you thought. "

"I think I'd prefer that. But Connor looks really bored."

"That's just the Connor face. He's very, uh pessimistic with the world but still really caring. But okay then, that's what I did too. I didn't feel like talking about what happened in front of everyone but you'll learn that everyone here is pretty nice. Seriously, these people are like some of my closest friends."

"That's cool," Logan told her as she smiled. It was Kristopher's time to talk and Logan noticed Callie pay attention to him. Like she wanted to know everything he had to say.

"So uh, hi everyone and welcome to the new guy over there in the pajamas." he pointed at Logan as everyone turned around to stare at him, his face turning red after realizing what he was wearing, "Yeah so I've still been living in the park, and yesterday was a really bad day."

"What happened Krispy?" Callie asked as he laughed winking at her. Logan looked over to Callie as she smiled at him, "Again, I'm pretty close to everyone."

"Heh, thanks Callie." he told her offering a high five as she shrugged accepting it, "Okay so yesterday I was so hungry, like literally starving. I felt like my stomach was going to turn to dust." he licked his lips as Logan wondered if he actually ate today, "And there were like a bunch of little kids walking around with ice creams in and little sandwiches in their hands. They were tempting me, I wanted to steal one but that wasn't the right thing to do. I wanted food so badly that I almost cried."

"You didn't take it right? 'Cause like, you can get into real trouble for doing that." a boy with red hair asked as Connor playfully shoved him, "Sorry."

"I didn't take anything Jason. Okay so while I was waiting a man came up to me and asked if I was hungry. I told him yes and so he offered to take me to McDonald's just across the street. Clearly I wasn't thinking right and said yes and so when I got into his car he told me that I should blow him." he was choking up now. Logan was feeling his stomach churn; he was going to throw up, "Oh god I was almost going to do it but instead I sternly told him no so then he tried to rape me."

_"Oh god oh god oh god."_ Logan kept thinking. He was trembling now. He couldn't take it.

"Logan, are you okay?" Callie asked as he looked at her nodding his head. He wanted to hear more of Kristopher's story, "If just tell me and I'll tell Connor."

Logan looked up nodding his seeing Kristopher stare at him for a second before continuing his story, "Okay so, I quickly told him no and he grabbed my arms and started screaming at me. He tried to yank my pants off of me until I just pushed him aside and ran out of the car."

The glasses guy, err Connor smiled at Kristopher, "Good job Kris," he told him smiling, "That must of been terrible."

"Yeah, it was." Kristopher told him as tears almost consumed his words, "It was like I was trapped, like that was the end for me. After that I felt so sick and disgusting and some what regretful because I sort of just missed out on a hot meal."

"Don't be Kris, that guy was trying to take advantage of you."

"I know but, god I have no idea what happened to me. I sort of wish I was never gay and that I was back home with my parents. I miss everyone so much and things have been so much worse now and just, I feel like the end is coming soon."

Logan felt like crying hearing Kristopher's words. He couldn't believe all that he had been through, everything that happened to him. He wondered if this would be Carlos if he survived the attack if that, maybe this would be him in his room crying and sobbing with Logan watching him and not really knowing what to do. That maybe instead of him going alone to these meetings Carlos would be there with him.

"Thanks Kris, a lot." Connor told him as Logan noticed him look at him, a smile to his face, "But please, don't ever think that. Everyone here cares about you and you are perfect just the way you are. Now, who's next?"

After Kristopher the girl in a Metallic shirt next him Logan thinks was name, Annette, talked about how her parents fighting was stressing her out and how she couldn't focus in school because of it. Then a boy whose name he forgot talked about how a girl he liked got pregnant and aborted it before she ran away to Ohio. He actually wanted to keep the baby.

"Okay Callie, it's you." Connor peered from where he sat and eyed Callie smiling at her brightly. Callie licked her lips and swallowed hard.

"Heh so, yesterday my mom made a whole bunch of spaghetti for dinner." she began eyes staring at everyone in the room, "I loved my mom's spaghetti ever since I was little and today she made me eat almost the entire pot." She started laughing after this as everyone did the same, "But, after I ate it my stomach started aching and I wanted to throw. Obviously if I did this my mom would of had a fit with me and gone insane so I did it while she was sleeping."

Connor sighed as Logan stared at her, "Callie that isn't good." he told her, "And the cutting?"

"I cut afterwards. I went back and looked at the mirror and all I could see was muffin tops and fat. I felt disgusting. I wanted to melt it all away. All I could think was ugly ugly ugly"

Logan furrowed an eyebrow. To him there wasn't really anything wrong with Callie. She didn't look ugly, actually to him she was really pretty. He continued to stare at her but still saw nothing of what she saw, "B-But y-you're so pretty." he mouthed as Callie looked at him wide eyed rolling her eyes. Logan bit his lip, "No seriously, you're really pretty Callie."

"Well, sure today is a lucky day. Any other day I look like shit."

Connor looked up at Logan, "Callie, don't ever say that. Like Kris you're perfect just the way you are. Imperfections and all. It's much better to have imperfections than not to have any. No one's perfect."

Callie groaned, "Well he left me 'cause of those imperfections. That's why he's off with some bimbo."

"No, you two just weren't meant to be." Kristopher was talking now, "You're totally perfect Cal."

"Yeah, it's like this quote." Logan began as Connor looked at him still, "It's like, your imperfections are what make you beautiful. It makes you different and more unique than other people and defines who you are. You're Callie with different traits and personalities and you're perfect just the way you are."

Callie smiled and put a hand to Logan's knee giving it a slight squeeze, "Thank you." she mouthed before looking over to Connor, "Now I think it's Logan's turn to speak."

"Hey you're that guy from Big Time Rush. Your music is crap." Annette told him as Connor shot a glare at her, "I mean, it's not my style."

"Okay, continue Logan. I heard there was a death that happened. How do you feel about it?"

Logan sighed. He hadn't really thought of his opinion on Carlos' death all this time. Actually the death was the one thing he wanted to keep out of his mind. He licked his lips and looked over to Callie remembering the option of talking to Connor later.

"I think the next person should go up." Kristopher murmured as Logan shook his head, "Oops sorry."

"No it's okay," he started before swallowing down the lump in his throat stuffing his hands into his jacket pocket. Logan tried to think of the first thing he was going to say; he had no clue where to begin. Should he start at the beginning and during the party? Or talk about the fact whenever he sleeps all he hears is Carlos' cries for help and his lack of ability to help him? Or should he just start screaming random nonsense and pray they understand him.

"Yeah, my best friend died." Logan began moving his feet a bit, "I, uh haven't been taking it very well."

Everyone's eyes were darted at him. Logan licked his lips and tried to stay calm under the pressure. He never handled pressure well, but he was going to suck it up right then, "I miss him so much. We loved each other a lot, like really, really loved each other. I knew he loved me but I didn't know if he loved me like how I loved him." he bit his tongue making sure not to expel his entire life's secret in one sitting to a bunch of strangers, "Carlos the goofball dragged me to this party. It was pretty wild I mean, people were having sex in the middle of the living room and like everything was probably spiked."

"You didn't get roofed did you?" a guy with black hair and a large red sweater asked as Logan shook his head, "Oh 'cause my friend got roofed and almost murdered."

Logan gave him a small smile, "I'm sorry about that. But no, I didn't get roofed but he might of. Next thing I knew he was drunk and leaving with these two giant guys. We got into this fight and he said something that got me so mad that I left." he was trembling now, the voices were coming. Carlos' cries were running through his ears screaming for his help "I left and he went with them and then they did all that stuff to him. Oh my god he was so innocent and I knew that instead of being there for my best friend I left. I ditched him and now he's gone gone gone."

"Logan," Callie's voice whispered as he ducked his head down in between his legs beginning to sob. She placed a hand to his shoulder and gave it a slight squeeze, "calm down Logan."

"I haven't been able to sleep or eat or live. Every night I hear him screaming for me but I can't do anything about it. His innocent voice screaming in pain having to go through something like that. They fucking raped him! Fucking raped a guy who barely could watch the news with me because a rape story popped up!" he was crying now, "Then I keep hearing about it everywhere. People are blaming me and the news is showing nothing but Carlos Garcia dead or Carlos Garcia raped-"

"Wait, who's blaming you Logan?"

"Everyone! I'm even blaming myself! I left him anyways, it was all my fault." Logan looked up for a second and sighed wiping his eyes with the back of his hand, "I'm sorry."

Connor smiled at him and shook his head, "No it's okay. Actually that was really good. Logan you shouldn't blame yourself, you didn't do anything to cause that you need to know that." he looked over to him and swayed around a bit in his seat, "I'm looking forward to hearing the rest of that story."

Logan looked at Connor who gave him a wink asking for the next person to talk. He had to admit it felt amazing letting that all out. He was actually kind of happier.

"Hey, good job." Callie whispered as he looked at her smiling brightly, "You really, let everything out. It was pretty awesome."

He smiled at her and shrugged, "Actually, there's more. Like what Connor said. But thanks, for everything Callie." he looked up to Kristopher who was looking back at him a smile to his face, "I think I have to do something after this."

* * *

**Ah Logan, continue to get better!**

**To Be Continued...**


	6. Chapter 6

_**an- **_this is such a filler chapter i swear to god and it really sucks. but it's mainly to just keep you guys in date with all the storylines (with one character so much shizz is totally happening to him lol) and like yeah, lead into something else. but yes, sorry of the filliness of this chaptero mi amigos and amigas but i hope y'all enjoy_**.**_

_**warning(s): **_mentions of teen pregnancy, rape, muder, and teen homelessness.

Logan clutched his steering wheel looking around for any signs of Kristopher. He had mentioned a few times the park he 'lived' to the group and Logan made sure to keep a mental note of it just in case he wanted to stop by and visit. He always had felt so bad for Kristopher, ever since that first meeting when he mentioned something about almost getting raped he always sympathized more with him than any of the other people.

Not to mention he looked like Carlos. He could never get the resemblance out of his head. It was almost uncanny. He was his exact duplicate, from the messy attire to the cute dimples that formed when he smiled. Even the mole on his face was in the same area Carlos had his.

But it wasn't the Carlos thing that had brought him there. It was the pang of guilt that would whirl in Logan's stomach every meeting when Kristopher would mention how starving he was at the park and how this person and that person would try to do something to him.

But to think about it who wouldn't? To such a beautiful boy, Logan was surprised he was still single.

Anyways, Logan had always felt bad when Kristopher mentioned his living conditions. A park of all places, where he salvaged food from the garbage cans and took showers late at night in the sinks. Logan grimaced at the thoughts and after a long time thinking decided to invite Kristopher over to live with them.

He'd be staying in Logan and Carlos' (well, formerly Carlos') old joined room where he could sleep on Carlos' bed and use some of his old clothes. Logan had stopped cherishing the items and realized what they were really were. Just stuff, stuff that was going to go to waste if he kept them as they were. Mama Knight and Officer Garcia chose what they wanted to keep for the funeral a few weeks from then and so the reast was just some sort of way to occupy space. Rather than donate to stranger in charity Logan decided to donate it to Kristopher. Which would technically be donating to charity, only he knew who to.

Logan chewed on his lip before seeing Kristopher. He noticed him in the same light blue shirt and brown pants he wore one too many times to meetings. Logan pressed his horn and smiled at Kristopher who had looked up and waved at him. Logan motioned him to come by as Kristopher did so.

"Hey Logan, what are you doing here?" he asked as Logan shrugged. He opened the door as Kristopher scooted in, "How are you dude?"

"Fine thanks." He felt his hands sweat, "Hey uh I got you some food." Logan reached into the back and threw the large bag of McDonald's in front of the two of them. Kristopher looked up at Logan and furrowed an eyebrow, "I just thought you'd be hungry."

Kristopher shrugged, and rather than fight with the urge to be a nice guy and not eat started to devour hamburger after chicken burger as well stuffing french fries into his mouth. Logan watched him eat, a pattern of grinding and swallowing as he picked up a few french fries himself to snack on.

"Sorry I'm eating like an animal, just I haven't had this much food in a long time." he told Logan licking the remaints of sauce from a package. Logan nodded his head and fumbled with his fingers, "Is Callie here? Did you want to hang out?"

"Uh no, I actually just wanted to talk."

"Oh." Kristopher paused and stared at Logan a little longer, "Okay, uh what's up?"

Logan crossed his arms and thought, "Uh nothing much." he tried to continue the conversation and pursed his lips together trying to think about something to talk about, "I just came back from an ultrasound."

Kristopher nodded and smiled at Logan. He had mentioned once how he got a girl pregnant in the frenzy that was the death of Carlos. A small mistake that happened because of all the anger and frustration boiling in him and deciding to expel itself and try to go away in one night. He continued to chew on fries as Logan began to talk.

"The baby is perfect, it's a girl too. Camille wants to name it something exciting but I want to name it after my mom."

He sighed and leaned into his seat trying to think. The baby had been perfect. Camille's father was a bit upset that she was pregnant though, and Logan could of sworn him purposely pushing him when they crossed paths walking down the hall or giving him a mean glare when he went to visit Camille. But nonetheless the baby was fine, and that's all Logan really cared about. He was going to start going to birthing classes, not to mention parenting classes. But Camille had offered he take some time off, which Logan had agreed to.

Kristopher soaked in all Logan had said only to respond every once. He continued to eat, chewing over and over his food until it was into little bits. Logan counted his chews and each bite was approximately twenty two chews.

"Well congrats on the baby Logan." Kristopher finally concluded as he looked through the bag. Logan grabbed it from him and rummaged through it seeing that Kristopher had finished every single thing inside. He was like a vaccum almost when it came to food. Who knew he would be that starving?, "Sorry, I'm a fattie. My bad."

Logan laughed, his voice was smooth and charming and oh so dreamy. He bit his lip feeling himself fall again and looked at Kristopher straight in the eyes. He wasn't going to let himself get hurt again, not again. He wasn't going to let anything hurt him this way again.

Now it was time to make the deal, to him and suggest his idea.

"Hey Kris,"

Kris nodded and turned. Logan rubbed the back of his neck and smiled meekly at him.

"I was uh wondering, assuming you had no place to stay if you wanted to stay at my place." Logan began to fumbled again with the hem of his shirt struggling to find the words and looked at Kris in the eye, "I mean I have a free room now that Carlos is uh, kind of gone. And I don't really want it to go to waste and I mean, you don't really have any where to stay so if you want to come I'd really love it if you did and 'cause I could use someone to talk to every once in awhile and you're such a great listener and just yeah." he chuckled a little. God he could talk so much, "If you want I mean."

Kristopher looked at Logan skeptically and laughed a little trying to ease the awkward silence. He turned to the window and thought about for awhile before leooking back to Logan, "Was the food a bribe?"

Logan looked at him panicked and started to mumble things as he always did, "Uh no I just really thought you would be hungry I mean you always mention you're always hungry and I just thought and I just thought hey I'm hungry too and so instead of just getting myself food I decided to get a few more things and well two chicken burgers turned to five and one french fry case-"

Kristopher shushed him and giggled, "Shh, it's okay Logan." he cooed as Logan blushed a little, "As long as you're okay with it then I'd love to stay at your big Hollywood apartment."

Logan smiled, "I'm totally okay with it."

**to be continued...**


	7. Chapter 7

**an- **hahahahahaha i suck. hope you like it though.

**warning[s]- **uh slight mockery of religion, logan is in a bad place. please do not be offended okay.**  
-**

**[afewdaysago.]**

"You're alive." He smiled looking up as Carlos stood in front of him, hands tucked into his hair and a smile that made Logan melt. He pursed his lips together and Logan wanted to hug him, kiss him, do so many things to him and he tell how he loved him so much and thank god Carlos was alive and everything was going to be okay. Logan was going to be okay and so was he.

This was the third time he saw Carlos this week, but every time every time he'd leave when Logan woke up. But he knew for sure this had to, this had to be him. That somehow he was alive, that he was with him. It just had to be Carlos.

"You're here."

He nodded, not saying a word oddly enough but Logan didn't particularly notice. He ran his way to Carlos and kissed him on the mouth, lips lingering to be with his as Logan let his fingers roam his neck, pushing them onto his hips . Logan kissed Carlos long and hard feeling him put his hands into Logan's hair, fingers pulling at the strands and his hands on my chest. Shirts were off as he moved to his neck, his chest, lips on his collarbone. Logan sucked against his neck, hoping to leave his mark.

Soon pants were off, pants were off and Logan was on top doing him, going slowly Logan went at a steady pace as he kissed him whispering the same 'I love you's. You can never say I love you too much his dad always said. You can never tell the person you love you love them too much. He let his fingernails go deep into in his skin as he went faster, faster and faster his hips at a pace where there was slight whimpering but Logan told him it'd be okay, that everything was going to be okay, and he went faster and faster until finally releasing.

Then he left, and again Logan was stuck in the feat of his own demented mind.

**[afewdaysafter.]**

The funeral was today.

It was a typical funeral just the same old coffin based thing. Carlos wanted to be an organ donor. They took away his gifts a few days ago and left us with the body. Apparently he looked really nice in his outfit. Logan just nodded and got dressed so the rest of the day he could stay as calm as he could.

"Need help?" Kristopher asked as Logan looked down at his still undone tie. He shrugged his shoulders and smiled weakly, "C'mon I'll help you." he chuckled as Logan laughed walking next to him as Kristopher's fingers slowly made the shape of the tie and Logan thanked him quietly, "You're insane." he chuckled, "I assume you use the clip on ones hm?"

Logan nodded grinning, "Yeah aha, but I decided to look nice for this." he looked to Kristopher, "You really don't have to come."

"I want to though, moral support."

Logan shrugged his shoulders again, "All right, thanks. I don't know if I'll last to be honest. I hope so." he chewed against his lip, "I hope so, I really do."

His body was just a reminder of what wasn't there anymore. With cold lips and a body with no organs he was a carcass and just a carcass with no real significant value. Soon all he'd be was compost for the ground of the cemetery and a place tourists could take pictures of the fallen star.

It made Logan sick to his stomach thinking about it.

As the priest [carlos was always religious, coming from a catholic background he would whisper prayers before concerts and shows and before bed time and go to church every sunday he could] said his last few bits of a prayer everyone bowed their head. Logan did so, a few minutes late unfortunately but still did it, and he looked down. Logan wasn't the religious type, he didn't pray, he didn't believe in a God. There were so many complications with a God on the mind, so many flaws in this stories in of redemption and being a good person. It wasn't real to Logan, it couldn't be real. He couldn't believe in something that was so open.

He felt a hand grab his and looked to see Kristopher smile, "Just think of what you're feeling." he whispered as Logan nodded looking back to his shoes.

"I hate you." he whispered as if directly to God, and part of him felt it was. Part of him felt it was to God, it was to him the man who gave him life and yet got him a pregnant girlfriend and a dead lover and his friend homeless and so many things. He thought some more of what to say but it was just an, "I hate you." more and more and more until at one point he heard himself say it out loud and Kendall looked to him and took his shoulder and rubbed circles against his back and James giving him death glares and Kristopher was patting his knee.

And for the first time Logan cried, cried in at the death of the funeral Logan Mitchell was not the type to cry at anything, from sappy movies to the death of his father. But now, now he was crying, sobbing almost.

He just wanted things to be okay again.

* * *

The reception was in the Palm Woods and Bitters wasn't as mean. Though he was an ass most of the time he had respect for the dead, even giving a discount to this Logan was in the bathroom when most of it happened, throwing up into the toilet at how sick he was. He wasn't sure what was wrong with him, why he'd suddenly got so sick but he was and he was ready to just die in a hole.

Walking out he turned around and scrubbed his eyes, his mouth. He smiled at the reflection on the mirror, a boy with bloodshot eyes and a mouth with puke on the side and a tie undid. He waved to the reflection and mumbled, "You're not the boy I remember." before shaking his head with a sigh, "You're not at all the boy I remember."

He smiled weakly, turned around and suddenly Carlos was there. Carlos was smiling again, and his brown eyes were shining. Logan didn't want to believe it but he was there, and he was smiling.

"No," Logan mouthed, "NO YOU'RE NOT REAL."

Carlos said something but he couldn't hear it, he couldn't hear anything. His common sense was gone and he was screaming, yelling almost. And he was ready to throw a punch when someone took him from behind telling Logan to stop.

It was Kendall.

"H-He's been doing this for a-awhile, he s-started-" Carlos kept saying as Logan blinked, it wasn't Carlos anymore it was Kris and he was whimpering not smiling anymore, "He s-started calling m-me Carlos and m-making out with me y-yesterday."

And suddenly everything clicked and Logan turned around, kicking his legs to rush the stall next to him and throw up some more.


End file.
